Girl,

you got a lot of heart.

Give me that chance one day. Cause I know its there.

And it will grow to something much more.

You got a lot of heart.

Breakdown

Dammit, I did it again.

I need to be stronger. I need to focus.

Cause it's nights like these that really ruin any/all progress.

Proven

Tonight, you proved it to me.

Everything anybody has ever told me about you, all those negative things they said to try to prove to me that simple fact, they have all become realized to me as truths.

Maybe I couldn't see it as true before for some weird reason, like I was somehow blinded from the obvious.

But that veil seems to be lifted, cause tonight I saw it firsthand and raw.

I saw it, and I recognized it, and it hit me like a truck. It was as if suddenly all those people told me everything they told me before, but instead of ignoring it all I paid attention.

And it was hard as hell to comprehend. But it truly made sense.

For a second, you showed some true maturity, and I thought you had proved me and everyone else wrong. For a brief period of time, I was so proud of you.

Then you proved it all over to me.

That your immaturity still has a hold of you.

That you can't handle what I want emotionally.

That now is definitely not a time that we can be together, cause you. Not me, you.

And part of that is a relief. Cause I can know all that I put into this was not worthless, and that I am capable of something worth committing to.

But also its sad. Cause I know if you were mature enough, we would be really happy.

I say this in the best way possible, grow up. And one day you will see what I have been feeling this whole time.

Bye, -----.

Tonight, you proved it to me.

Decision

You need to stop playing with me, teasing me. I realize now that if you really cared about me, you would have showed it to me. 

Talk is cheap, but actions are priceless. 

I need to remember this as life goes on, cause I think I have trouble remembering this, putting me in this very predicament. 

I need to go one way or the other, and I need to stop being in limbo. 

Before I Leave

I want to see you!

So call me, or text me, or something. Let me know when I can spend time with you.

I leave on September 19th, so I don't have a lot of time.

And you know you mean the world to me.

Wake up

I need to start preparing for college and stop messing around in summer.

That has become increasingly more evident to me.

Still Wandering

I try to go to sleep but I can't.

I wonder where this all went wrong. And why.

Mind Wandering

Sometimes I wonder.

I sit: and I wonder where you are, how you are doing.

I wonder how your family is, and how you are handling everything.

I wonder what music you are listening to.

I wonder if you are still up, as I sit alone in my bed, wanting to call you or text you, but not knowing if I should.

I continue to contemplate, and I begin theoretically.

I wonder what would have happened if I had never met you, or never gotten to know you the way I did.

I wonder the consequences of my actions, and if I had acted differently, where would we be now. I wonder if things are meant to be, or just random.

I still sit, and wonder.

I wonder if I am crazy for thinking this much. I wonder if you are doing the same wondering.

I think of you.

I wonder why you hide your feelings.

I wonder if you hide them because you are scared of being vulnerable in front of others, or if you do it out of self denial.

I wonder if you will ever show me your feelings again.

I wonder if you ever read this, if you know how I feel.

I wonder,

and I don't sleep.

Call me.

HARD Summer 2011 Official Video - YouTube

Check this out.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Uucjbzn7b7Y&feature=channel_video_title

If you look closely at around :39 as Left Brain crawls back on stage after a stage dive, you can see a boy wearing a blue shirt to the left, about second row.

That's me. Great night.

Paying off.

Finally got a MacBook Pro.

Wanted one for so long.

Maybe things are going my way.

Addict

I imagine this is what an addict feels like

Gets the experience of something that is amazing, feels great in every way, and makes life seem so much better.

Then realizes the hurt that was once hidden, and experiences this hurt. A hurt that ruins you and breaks you down.

And you stop using drug that made you so happy once, you stop and remove it from your life.

Its so hard to remove it from your life, to make it gone. Its harder than anything you have ever done. And you withdraw from it, wish it was still the way it used to be when you felt no hurt and everything was great.

Relapse.

But every once in a while, you see that drug, you get that opportunity to experience it again, and you give in.

You know you shouldn't, but you do nonetheless.

With mixed feelings on an emotional rollercoaster you continue this. No end in sight.

I feel this way,

not about any drug or controlled substance,

but something much more meaningful and rare.

Damn,

Just like an addict, I never thought I would be the one to end up like this.

Higher Standards

In reference to my last post:

Maybe I was wrong.

Maybe what I felt before wasn't the normal, maybe that was the exceptional.

But it was amazing, and everything I wanted.

So maybe it's not ironic I cant get that feeling back. Maybe everyone wants that feeling and I somehow got lucky enough to experience it,

but I still want to have it again.

Bleh.

I dont know anymore.

Too confusing.

Normal

Is it ironic that I find it difficult to return to normal?

Like to feel normal, to think normal, just to live normal.

I just feel so out of whack with myself. Like something is off that should be on. And I cant find the switch.

Or maybe I know where the switch is, and I just cant reach it anymore, like it has moved on.

I am not even sure, but I know this:

That I want to return to normal again, feel myself, feel that way I know I should.

Stop going to sleep at night feeling empty, and waking up feeling doubtful.

Normalcy, the concept alone is simple, yet so easy to achieve for myself now.